Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Re: The Sex Mistake

Markus Frind is the 30-year old Canadian owner of "Plenty of fish Dot Com" dating site, which he manages with his fiancee, (pix right), it is the largest dating site in the world today. Bigger than even Yahoo Personals! He started it about four years ago with 1,200 daily visitors, but has grown in 4 years into 600,000 daily visitors and 4 million daily messages posted on his forum by users.

His income has also grown enviably from $40 dollars per day to the current average of, half a million dollars per month from that site.

I bring to the attention of our numerous readers today, the raging debate on the subject of premarital sex. The thread was started by a 40-year old lady (pix right), nicknamed Freude, from Austria on Plenty of fish Forum. As at the last count yesterday when I checked the raging fire, over 200 commentaries and 7,600 views in four days, have being registered on that debate! the debate opened up the lessons why Jennifer de la Vega, lost out and Luisa Fernanda won in the cupid battle of the gardener's daughter.

First, her short profile, from Plenty of Hi! I'm Irish and living in Austria. I came across this site some time ago simply because of some thread theme in the forums - hardly realized it was a dating site at the time :-)) I enjoy the forums and communicating with native-English speakers.

I'm not here for dating nor am I looking for a relationship - simply forum participation... if I add you to my "favourites", it's because I like your mind so just don't get too excited ;-)

The Sex Mistake

"After reading so many posts from women asking, "What went wrong?" I thought this article could be really helpful to many; it's long but a worthwhile read!

A reader recently wrote me about her experiences dating online. A man had started flirting with her, and she was pleased and flattered. She'd written him back and was surprised when he returned her email. Their exchanges were fun and flirty; he told her that he liked high heels and naughty lingerie and asked her what she liked in a man.

Where was their online flirtation going? Can anyone guess?

1. Relationship?
2. Friendship?
3. Sex?

If you answered "Sex," you'd be right!

Popular culture as depicted in television and movies has taught us that to be desirable, we must be sexy. We must dress sexy, talk sexy, look sexy and act sexy. If we do so, we will automatically attract male attention.

Of course we will. What do men enjoy more than anything else in the world - aside from a cold beer and Lazyboy in front of the television?

Promise a man sex, and you will get his attention.

But you may not get what matters most ... a chance at attracting his heart.

Today I'm going to give you the cold, hard facts about using sex, suggestive comments, or sexual allure to start a relationship with a man.

Tip 1. Giving a Man Sex Will Not Make Him Love You; It Will Just Make You More Emotionally Attached

There are many reasons that women engage in non-commital sex (source: Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right). Some women do so in order to gain the intimacy they crave while avoiding the investment of time and emotional resources that a relationship requires. Other women do so in order to get closer to a man while pretending it means nothing to them. For these women, casual sex feels easier than dating, because it requires less divulgence of one's "real feelings" than talking does.

Still other women do so because they have been hurt in the past, and they believe that by keeping commitment out of sex, they won't allow anyone to hurt them again.

You can't avoid getting hurt or rejected by reducing sex to a casual encounter with a man. Although you may tell yourself that you won't get emotionally involved or that you won't develop "feelings," we women aren't built that way.

When you have sex with a man, your body releases oxytocin during orgasm. This "bonding hormone" (also produced when you're nursing your baby and childbirth), coupled with the female hormone estrogen, produces a powerful bonding effect.

What this means is that your psychological will to avoid getting attached must overcome your biological tendency to become emotionally involved with the man that you have sex with. It's certainly possible, but it's like rowing against the tide.

Unfortunately for us, the bonding effect of oxytocin in men is mitigated due to their testesterone levels. As you have a continued sexual relationship with a man, you will grow more emotionally involved ... but there's no guarantee that he will.

Men are programmed to seek sexual variety. Even men who are happily married will indulge in sexual fantasies to spice up their love life by imagining having sex with other partners. This doesn't mean that men are amoral or destined to be polygamous: it simply means that men crave sexual variety in a similar way to how we crave emotional attachment with our sex partners.

Because, for men, physical intimacy is distinct from emotional intimacy, a man can have a sexually intimate relationship with you without feeling emotionally intimate. For example, there are men who cheat on their partners but claim that it wasn't an affair because it was "just sex."

As a result, when you sleep with a man without having built a foundation of emotional intimacy, you aren't making any progress towards having a deeper relationship with him.

Intimacy, trust, and love are built on a foundation of communication, sharing emotions, and working through conflicts together. If you want to make a man fall in love with you, why not try talking? Opening him up verbally will do you more good than offering him sex.
Tip 2. First Impressions Count

It should be common knowledge by now, but it still surprises me how many women make this mistake.

* If you start off your relationship with a man by talking sexy, dressing sexy, and acting sexy, he will want sex.
* If you start off your relationship with a man by talking intelligently, dressing classy, and acting warm and inviting, he will want to get to know you better.

You get to choose. Do you want to be seen as a sexy woman that he will pursue to get sex with? Or do you want to be seen as potential relationship material?

Physical intimacy is easy to achieve with a man. Emotional intimacy is much, much harder.

If you want to become truly excellent at attracting men, focus your efforts on developing a feeling of connection, trust, and emotional intimacy with men.

Men want to know that the woman they marry will be their best friend. As much as they enjoy sex, sexual chemistry is only part of what they want in a future wife. They want someone they can live with, play with, and share every aspect of their lives with.

No wonder that in lists of qualities that men look for in women, personality and humor always top the list!

So when you meet a man for the first time, place yourself squarely in the "marriage-material" category. Attract him on the level of his brains, his funny bone, his emotions and his heart. Be someone that he wants to get to know better for who she is rather than the fun she'll be in bed.

And, if you can, wait at least a month after meeting him before sleeping together for the first time (though you don't have to be dating that long). Statistically, an overwhelming number of married couples waited at least that long. Taking it slow just might be the difference between a hasty goodbye and an engagement ring.

Tip 3. You are More Than Your Body

Men are visual creatures. We all know it. Place a picture of a beautiful woman in front of him, and he won't be able to avoid looking.

Men love to check out beautiful women; better yet, they love the status of being seen with their arm around a gorgeous woman.

It's not that men are shallow or superficial; it's simply that that is how men's brains are wired. Sexual arousal for men is directly wired to sensual input.

But here's the thing: men are more than their biology.

Especially modern men.

They're keenly aware of this side of themselves. They're aware that their bodies can deceive them into wanting one thing, when in reality something else would be much better for them.

That's why, when it comes to marriage, or when it comes to choosing someone to have a relationship with, most men listen to their heads just as much as their hormones.

They want a woman who's warm and funny. Who's a good sport and has a wicked laugh. Who's smart and has a great personality. Who's fun to be with and someone he can trust. Who makes him feel comfortable and feel good about himself.

In other words, guys want "the whole package."

Which means that if you're spending all of your time in the gym, in the tanning salon, or in the beauty salon, you're completely missing out on the more important aspects of your attractiveness: your mind and spirit .

We are all mind, spirit, and body. An intelligent mind, a positive spirit, and a healthy body enable us to connect with a man on an intellectual, emotional, and physical basis.

If any one of these is lacking, you are compromising your attractiveness. For example, if you have a beautiful body but a negative attitude, you will find it hard to attract a man for a long-term relationship.

Spend time developing your mind and spirit as well as your body. Focus on being healthy rather than "sexy" or superficially "attractive." A healthy woman is the most beautiful of all from a biological standpoint.

A healthy woman has a positive spirit, an active, enquiring mind, and a body that is fit and well-nourished. A sign of her beauty is the number and quality of friends she has about her. Because she loves her body, loves herself, and loves the world around her, others find it easy to love her in return.

I hope that this newsletter has enabled you to see why sex is no real substitute for the emotional intimacy of a real relationship. Sex cannot compare with open, heartfelt communication when it comes to building the kind of intimacy that will sustain a relationship into marriage.

The next time you meet a man that you're really interested in him, turn him on with a more powerful seduction method than high heels and naughty lingerie. Turn him on with a warm smile, easy conversation, and joyous, heartfelt laughter."

The ball is back to your court, what do you think? what is your frank opinion? Did you pick any lesson from that?


Adeolu said...

I totally agree with you. It's my first time on your blog, and I must say this is great.

Anonymous said...

yes you are right giving a man sex will not make him love you,it will just make you more emotionally attracted.

Anonymous said...

Phil, this is really educative and true as well as an eye opener to ladies who think they can get a man thru sex. It is one thing to know these things and another thing to put them into good use. Thanks all the same for the sincere advise at least from a married woman's perception.

Anonymous said...

wao ive really learnt a lot, at least will never make that mistake again.